Blue Collar Magic
by Snuggalette
Summary: A collection of one-shots featuring various characters from the Harry Potter World with a Blue Collar Comedy flair
1. Chapter 1

**Blue Collar Magic**

**Disclaimer: ** Author makes no claims that she owns Harry Potter, or Any Blue Collar Comedy affliated jokes.

Chapter 1: You might be a Magical Redneck if 1

**You've ever given rat traps as a gift**

A mangy looking black dog trotted through snow covered streets carrying a small wrapped package in its mouth. It was Christmas morning so all the good shops had been closed due to the holiday. It still wasn't safe for him to transform into his human form so he had to improvise getting the perfect gift for one of his few friends left. It was a fairly simple plan wait beside the door of a small convenience store and run in when someone opened the door. It worked but he was spotted way too soon. He had meant to grab the nice journal with a wolf on the front but as he went for it the owner of the store whacked his hind end with a very hard broom.

_Flashback_

_ Just a little closer, he thought as he stretched his head to the back of the shelf. He couldn't move as good as he used to even in his animagus form. Not enough food or exercise in Azkaban for that. Almost got it. Just as he was about to bite down on it he felt as if a bludger had slammed into his back left hip. He yelped and dropped it so he quickly bit down on it again and took off running as fast as his four legs could carry him._

"_Get out you mangy mutt!" cried the owner, a little old lady with a surprisingly strong swing. The woman didn't look it but she was fast too. She almost caught up a few times but he managed to slip out the door. It was just luck a man came in as he had to wait a long time just to get in there in the first place._

_When he had gotten far enough away he found cover behind an abandoned building, where he had stashed wrapping paper and some ribbon that he had stolen a few days before. He transformed back into his human self. It was then that he noticed that he grabbed a pack of rat traps. He cursed his luck. It was only two hours until he was meeting Remus in his cave, and he didn't have enough time to find another shop that was open today. While thinking of a plan and snapping the little metal piece on one of the traps, not a good idea at all since he smashed his fingers and spent twenty minutes cursing about it before he remembered he was a wizard and use **episkey **to fix his fingers. He suddenly had a funny idea to make the traps into a gift he could be proud to give._

_End Flashback_

Now here he was trotting back to his cave in the mountains above Hogsmeade hoping Remus would see the humor in his gift. It will be just like old times, he thought. He climbed the mountain side with a few minutes to spare before he knew Remus would be apparating in. He transformed and quickly vanished all of the rat carcasses from his meals. A minute or two later he heard the pop outside that signaled Remus' arrival.

"Padfoot get your flea ridden bum out here and help me carry this food" Remus called.

"Got any ham? I'm sick of rats" I reply.

"Sure" he replied rolling his eyes.

We carried the food into my cave, a fair amount for just the two of us. Remus caught me up on the news of Harry and his involvement in that tournament while we ate. Of course I grumbled for awhile about the injustice and worried about who wants to kill Harry now. Now is the time for gifts.

He hands me a package. It is a basket filled with a pillow, blanket, books and toiletries. He just had to include some flea spray.

"Ha ha" I say sarcastically "Now open mine"

"How did you get this?" he asks while opening the wrapping paper. I double wrapped it. He he.

"I have my ways" He rolls his eyes and continues on unwrapping it. I see his eyes widen. "Really Padfoot" he says exasperatedly "Rat Traps?"

"Set it" I say while barely containing my glee. He does as I ask.

"Now what?" he asks. I don't understand the surprise should have started. "Hand them to me" I say.

He hands them to me. It is still not working. I am starting to get really frustrated. Snap. One just clamped on my fingers. Remus starts laughing.

"It's not funny" I ground out. All of a sudden I start to hear rapid snapping of the other traps and the next I know the traps are snapping and chasing me all over the cave. Of course the whole time Remus is rolling on the ground almost peeing on himself. I get them to stop twenty minutes later.

"Karma will always come to bite you on your tail" he is still laughing.

"Yeah yeah laugh it up. You should have been the one chased." I grumble.

"Now why rat traps" he asks amused.

I proceed to tell him of my morning adventure and of course he laughs it up some more. I just cannot get a break.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Do not Own H.P, or any other recognizable material **

Chapter 2: You might be a Magical Redneck if 2

**You consider a family reunion a good place to pick up girls. **

Gregory Goyle knew he wasn't the brightest guy who goes to Hogwarts school of WitchCraft and Wizardry. Heck he knew he wasn't the most attractive. It's a fact that he would tell you if he could do anything but grunt. It was his seventh year and he had yet to even have a date. Last time he tried to ask out Millicent Bulstrode she laughed her deep guttural laugh at him. She should have felt privileged. She wasn't even pretty, nor was she a Pure blood. Little did he understand that she was actually very intelligent.

He was starting to get very desperate. If he did not have a date for the annual Goyle family Yule reunion, his cousins from the continent would tease him relentlessly. He had even asked the little Mud-blood know it all. She had the audacity to have him chased by a flock of canaries that pecked him for hours. This didn't help his already bruised ego.

Two days to go and still no date. Why couldn't he be like Draco and just order someone to accompany him to the reunion. Maybe he shouldn't even bother. He scratched his gorilla like head, thinking maybe he could meet a cousin's friend and eventually marry. No wait he had a better idea maybe he could pick up a second or third cousin at the reunion. It was good idea because he didn't want his future children to have dirty blood. Yes that would be perfect.

**Your family tree doesn't fork**

Merope Gaunt was ecstatic. Her father and horrid brother were taken to Azkaban yesterday. It was a good thing too because now she didn't have to marry Morphen. He was just insane. She knew that siblings shouldn't produce children, but her father obviously thought that the family's blood would become even more pure with the union. She was herself a perfect of example that it was not the case. Their blood was already like a stagnant pond. Her mother was her father's sister, and her grandparents and great grandparents were sibling as well. She thought herself lucky that she got a little intellect to think for herself, she wasn't so lucky to get enough magic to due much else other than make potions.

She was going to get her a man that wasn't related in any way. That is why she was brewing enough Amortentia to last at least a year and a half, long enough to have a child or two. She had a few muggle men in mind. Tom Riddle or Michael Evans. It would be whichever came along first that accepted her offer of lemonade on a hot day.

Six Months Later

She should be happy, she was with child. Tom Riddle had been hard to entrap but it was certainly worth it. She was married and then a month later she was pregnant. Some how he found the potion and threw it out without her knowledge. When it came time for his weekly dose she couldn't find it, so he broke the enchantment and left. She did not mean to fall in love with a muggle, but it happened. Little did she know that his family was descended from a squib of the Gaunt family five generations back. The Wizarding World would reap the results from the inbred insanity in a few decades.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: You Might be

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Harry trudged slowly down the hill to Hagrid's hut. He was so exhausted. If Hagrid hadn't been counting on him, he would have never apparated fifteen times in an hour. Of course if Hagrid had not waited so long between baths he would have never had been in a tight spot in the first place. I knew he smelled bad most of the time, but I had no idea that he didn't bathe for two months at a time. Too bad Crabbe destroyed the room of requirements during the final battle a couple of months ago, otherwise Hagrid would be bathing in there and the room would have provided what he needed. After the horror I witnessed earlier I don't think that I could look at my half-giant friend the same ever again.

_Flashback_

_ I was sitting at the kitchen table in Grimmauld Place when my new owl Bandit came soaring through the window. I pulled the letter off his leg. I could recognize that untidy scrawl anywhere._

_ Dear Haree,_

_ Somtins come up. Meet me in me hut as soon as you get this._

_ Hagrid_

_ Hagrid is one of my best friends, so I have to see him right away. I floo to the Three Broomsticks and make the trek up to Hogwarts. When I make it to Hagrids hut I am assaulted by the most ungodly smell I have ever encountered. I mean it smelled worse than the Inferi located in the cave by the sea. I knock patiently and wait for Hagrid to answer the door. When he opens the door the force of the smell is ten fold. I lost my lunch. _

_ Getting a hold on my self I notice that his hair is more matted than usual and his face is caked in dirt. _

"_What's wrong Hagrid?" I asked trying to keep from sicking up again._

"_I cant get to me tub, somebody burnt it" Hagrid wails._

"_Burned your tub" I ponder_

"_The one on the seventh floor" he says pitifully._

_ I realize he means the Room of Requirement. Then I realized this man hasn't bathed in months._

"_why not use the prefects bath?" I ask._

"_It won't gimme the Hartz shampoos" he wails again._

_ My eyes widen as I realize he means the flea and tick shampoo that Aunt Marge uses on Ripper. I look up and notice all the fleas and the tick stuck to the crease between his cheek and nose. I want to be sick again but I force the bile down_

"_I can go to the Muggle world and buy you some Hagrid" I tell him_

"_Please" he begs._

"_Ok, I'll be back later"_

_End Flashback_

So after going to seven different shops looking for it only to be told by the shop keepers that a Marge came in and bought it all earlier in the day, that woman is still giving me hell even if she doesn's know it, I am back at Hogwarts. As I approach the hut the smell hits me again. Instead of knocking I walk right in.

"Here you go Hagrid"

"Thumpin good wizard ya are 'arry" he seems happy now.

He pulls me into a bear hug and I have to fight the impulse to cringe.

"well I best be getting back to number 12" I say

Despite my exhaustion I make off the grounds in record time, and apparate back home. I decide that I need a glass of scotch. As I pour me a glass he see a flea in my arm hair. I cringe because now I have to go get me a bottle of flea shampoo.

I go to the last shop where I found Hagrids five bottles of the shampoo. I know there are two bottles left, so I walk down the aisle to get one. Before I get there I see the last person I ever thought possible, and she is grabbing the last bottles. I just turn around and walk out to apparate somewhere else.

I will never forgive Hagrid for this.

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	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

**You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.**

Molly Weasley was never one to wish that she never had more than three children, but sometimes she just wished she had one day without her four youngest. All day if something went well, it would then turn bad in the next few minutes. Just this morning she and Arthur got the children out of bed to take Bill, Charlie, and Percy to Kings cross for the spring term. All trunks were packed and they flooed out with no problems. Just as the three oldest started to board the train, Ron decided to start a tantrum over it not being fair he couldn't go. Molly decided to put her foot down, but Ron had a bout of accidental magic and caused her hair to turn into yarn. Poor Percy just looked mortified.

After flooing home and putting her hair right, she gave Ron a few smacks on his bottom for his behavior. Arthur decided to take the opportunity to give a lecture about jealousy to all four children still at home. She thinks the only one who didn't understand was Ron. She and Arthur have always been believers of the mantra that hard work never hurt anyone. So they have raised their children to help with chores around the Burrow. She rarely used magic to do her tasks to prove to her children that it was better to work to achieve their goals. Degnoming the garden and cleaning house were finished without problems from the children. She should have known things were not going to be that easy. She told little Ginny to help Ron hang the laundry on the line. It went well for a while until the two started talking about Quidditch. All her children, except Percy, were obsessed with the game, but the boys were of the belief that Ginny was too small to play pickup games with them. Ron was of the opinion that girls shouldn't play though. He told Ginny this. Ginny was so mad that she was able to wandlessly use a Bat-Bogey Hex on Ron. Ron got wrapped in the sheets and dragged them in to the garden pond. She had to clean them all over again and to help Ron take another bath. Ginny cooled off after a time out.

With all of the chores finished she and Arthur took the children to London for a day of fun. Fred and George loved the muggle jokes, Ginny liked the pretty clothes that muggle girls wore, and Arthur had to be dragged out of Harrods. Ron grumbled about not doing anything actually fun. She told him that the fun didn't mean spending money. He just grumbled about not having as much money as everyone else. She just shook her head. They were just waiting on the London Zoo to open for their monthly free tour day, not that their children knew that.

At two, when the Zoo opened for free tours, she had four excited children and one husband that was amazed that muggles could hold dangerous animals without magic. They made their way through the aviary. Ginny loved the parrots, unfortunately so did Arthur. He tried to hold a conversation about muggles with them. Now the parrots say muggle every few words. She wanders if they can be obliviated. The big cats were adorable in everyone's opinion. Ron pitched a fit in the reptile house about the snakes, because they are slimy Slytherins. Where he got those views from she'll never know. Ginny wanted to bring the polar bear cub home, but was told she couldn't. Secretly Molly wished she could too, but at least Ginny understood. Most of everything went well until they made it to the primates. Fred and George were mimicking the monkeys, funny in her opinion, and the monkeys copied them. Ron, however, was jealous because the chimps would not copy him. Ron started yelling at the chimps and the chimps screamed back. Fred and George thought it would be funny to make the chimps throw their poop at Ron. The chimps complied. Ron was not a happy camper and started making rude jesters to the chimps. Molly tried to calm all the children down, but unfortunately they attracted the attention of the zookeepers. The zookeepers asked them to leave. It took a half hour of kicking and screaming, but they finally made it back to the Burrow.

Dinner was somber and the children were sent to bed without pudding. Arthur decided to tinker in his shed and she finally could relax. Just as she dozed she heard an explosion in the shed. She groaned. Sometimes she wished that she didn't have a husband either.


End file.
